30 days.

yesterday i started the 30 day shred.

it was awful. 

terrible.

torture.

i couldn't think of ANYthing I wouldn't rather be doing. 

and today i'm in gut wrenching pain. i have no idea how i'll even start day 2. 

seriously.

i hate working out. i hate taking time away from doing stuff i want to do to do something for {eek!} myself. seriously. 

and i can make excuses all day long. 

i don't like walking with the double stroller. i like walking though. but my hubby isn't home so i only have one day a week that i technically could walk without the double stroller. but when my hubby is home i don't want to spend time away from him. and the gyms that have childcare are super expensive.

and so on and so on and so on.

but this has no excuse. 

and it's 27 minutes and 56 seconds.

and i can give myself that. right?

and add to that - i've heard the results are amazing if you stick out the 30 days. 

and i plan to seriously do it monday through friday. i don't do that crazy stuff on the weekends. let's keep it real, y'all. 

so who's with me? 

i'm not asking you to post before and after pics. i'm definitely not into those "selfie" pix like that. but i'll keep you updated. and i'd love to have some 30 day shred buddies!! so are you coming??

grace.

do you ever have those weekends where you feel yourself gearing up for what is lying ahead? the kind where you try to soak it all in and breathe deep because you know it's about to be crazy hard coming up? 

that's what we did this weekend. went on a little getaway with some dear friends. 

and it was awesome. just what i needed. because these next few weeks are going to be cray-cray. the end of school, end of session, birthdays, swim lessons, volunteering, lunches, dinners, etc. just lots and lots of transitions and stuff happening. 

and so, with every breath this weekend, i tried to soak in the quiet. and gear up. and try to plan out how i'm going to pull it all together this week. {read: pull myself together this week.}

and as i was writing out my to do list, going over our calendar and thinking of all the {good} stuff coming up, i was trying to get it in my head that i need to have it all together or none of it's together. 

but that's not right, is it? 

having balance in my life really isn't a good thing. 

it's all about having it unbalanced. doesn't that sound backward? 

{reading interrupted by jen hatmaker. life altering. vision changing. read it.}

it's really all about having a life out of balance. God taking over - being huge in our life and the other stuff falls in when it can. i'm not saying that i don't need to do laundry or fix my dinner or wind down. i'm saying that if my priorities are straight - unbalanced, if you will - then everything will feel in balance.

and so today - i'm taking it one step at a time - trying to give myself a lot of grace. a lot of room for error. asking the Lord to take me by the hand one chore at a time. asking Him to show me what is a need vs. want. what does He want me to get done vs. what i want to make happen. 

and it's hard. but freeing. a few times today, as i've found myself rushing from one task to the next, i feel Him whisper "slooooow....." and i quite literally have to slow my steps. breathe slower. smile more. see my kids more.

i'm excited to get on with the next few weeks, but i truly feel convinced that we tend to fill up our time with good things instead of pouring out our time to Him. in this season i find that i've had to cut activities out just to make it through the week. without an extra set of hands it feels like a gigantic task to get to and from and here and there. and yes, i have dear friends that are more than happy to help out - but that's not really the issue now. 

the issue now is that i actually like it this way. i like slowing down and having room to breathe. our weekends are meant to rejuvinate us {especially as a couple, in my opinion} and when we're separated by a million activities it's hard to feel refreshed when it's all over.

maybe you could say that my kids are "missing out" because we're not involved in every activity, but i'm actually grateful that we have time to experience life as a family while we can. i know there's going to come a day really soon when b. is going to be hyper involved in a sport or other activity. and c. will be doing the same soon after. and i want that for them. i loved being involved. so did the hubbs.

but - for now - we've chosen to live slowly. and again, it's our season. not anyone else's. and as judged as i sometimes feel, i know that j. and i are making these choices together and are on the same page. we're trying to follow our plan - the race He set out before us.

so let's make a deal. let's give each other grace. i won't judge your choices and you don't judge mine. your life is different than mine. your personality is different. your kids are different. your circumstances are different. none harder than the other. none better or worse... just different. 

and there's no way i could ever walk a mile in your shoes. and i wouldn't want to, i'm sure. 

so let's not pretend there's another way. and just accept that we are who we are. and keep our eyes on the Prize and not on our surroundings. keeping up with the joneses - or what have you. if you're in a season where you are able to live "fast"... go for it. more power to you. 

i'm just simply sharing that my season - well - it should be "fast". it's crazy. but we're choosing to live it slow. whatever that means. and i'll be trying to figure that out until i'm called elsewhere. failing everyday and giving myself {and others!} grace.

and that's that. 

xoxo.

hooray for friday!

 

i don't think i've been so glad to see a friday in a while. 

i know we all have weeks like that.

yesterday afternoon around 4, i asked myself why i was so exhausted - afterall, it's been a pretty good week all in all. 

and i was reminded that life is heavy right now. not any heavier than anyone else's... but heavier than mine has been. ever.

and around 5 i felt the crying coming on. for no reason - just cracking under the pressure. 

but instead of crying, i made some sweet tea {because it was 82 degrees, right?} and we cleaned up the back yard so it was 'worthy' of playing in. it was nice to sit on our back porch and just enjoy the wonderful weather. i'm so looking forward to patio weather - especially since i now have a good back porch. it's basic, but large and covered. 

have you enjoyed your week? 

we've enjoyed the wonderful weather with a few trips to the park... meeting our friends that live close.

 

my week has been all about working out our routine. working out what works best for the kids. for myself. for my house... for my husband. 

i long for our house to be a safehaven for the hubbs. when he gets home, i want him to be able to take a deep breath and let his guard down. instead, i feel like in recent weeks {if not months} it's been chaos. toys everywhere. unfolded laundry. impatient momma. crying and screaming kids. unmade beds... full laundry baskets... dirty dishes. 

and we are both fried at the end of the day. can you relate?

and i was overwhelmed. that it was NOT a peaceful house. that i felt like there was no hope for a peaceful & quiet house full of two kids and a dog. 

but last week i had a revelation.

 i had gone over to a girlfriend's house who always seems like she has it together. {she would tell me - and tell you - that i'm wrong... and that she doesn't.} it's just one of those things that when you walk into her home you feel like you just want to take a deep breath and breathe it all in. {ahhhhh........} it's quiet. and clean - not in the untouchable way - but in the comfortable way. and.... peaceful. and she has two kids - albeit one is 7 and one is 2... but TWO kids. and all the toys to go with it. seriously!

and after visiting with her i always feel full. always.

and then i had to go back to my house. that just feels messy and cluttered and disorganized and dirty. i'm not talking about the 'pretty' aspect of a house... i'm talking about that feeling when you walk in the door and you're smacked in the face with all the chores that need your attention. and your kids that long for your attention. and the t.v. that was left on and is now not playing mickey mouse but playing some cheesy pre-teeny bopper show.

and there is so much ... noise.

both literally and figuratively.

so much that you feel frozen. paralyzed. like you don't make a dent in what you have to do so you don't even try.

that's where i was. where i've been. and i was tired.

so, i emailed said friend. i told her that i knew how much of a stickler she was for routine and organization and neatness... and i wanted some tips.

she sweetly - and ever so gently - emailed me back and told me to give myself some grace. that her kids were older and more self sufficient and that makes a huge difference. that routine and neatness and organization come naturally to her - it's her personality so she doesn't have to try terribly hard for it to happen.

and that's when it hit me. 

it does not come naturally to me. and i've been beating myself up about it for years. but it doesn't. it's not my personality - in fact it's my personality to be messy. and artsy fartsy. and living life to the fullest, not caring if all the toys are in the appropriate baskets. i use that part of my brain... i think scattered thoughts, i always have.

so what does that mean for me? my husband IS a neat freak. and this not coming naturally to me doesn't mean that i don't want a peaceful house that is organized. i do. but i've accepted the fact that it just might look different for me.

so i changed my perspective. and there are a few things that have rocked my world the past week by making ever so slight adjustments here and there. not radical changes... simple changes, actually. but i feel so much better. i cannot even tell you how much of a difference it has made to our life and our home. my attitude. 

ahhhhh....... take a deep breath. it's friday. take it all in.