Wednesday, April 17, 2013

at the bottom of the mountain.

there's something that the Lord has been pressing on my heart for the last year or two. 

and it's very scary to share the details of it. only because i have no idea what He's going to do with it. i can speculate all i want - and each time i do He turns me in another direction on the same road. 

it's crazy. 

i feel like it's been a roller coaster of emotions. highs & lows. twists & turns. thinking i know where i'm going and then He says "turn around becky - let's go this way instead." although, i know that it's really not instead - it's more of a this-is-what-I-had-planned-but-didn't-tell-you kind of thing.

why do i think He needs to tell me? 

because i want control. i want to steer the car. i want to decide how it's going to happen. i want to plan & be prepared & get there faster. 

but He continues to leave me in the dark as He emphatically drives the car. i've determined that there's no room for me in this driver's seat. 

and - to be quite honest - it drives me completely crazy.

i was praying this morning about how i feel about all of this & a vivid picture came to my mind. 

it's as if i've long been on this journey and i've been able to see something way off in the distance. with every bump in the road, every hill & every mountain that i've crossed over in the past two years or so, i've been able to see this mountain in the distance come a bit closer. it's scary knowing something like that is coming up on your journey. but also exhiliarating as i've found Him so faithful in my other climbs. 

and as this mountain has gotten closer, i've discovered it's not just one, but several dozen. a mountain range if you will. and there's no way to walk around it. i'm going to have to go through it. and now i'm standing at the bottom. i'm still. and clueless. staring straight up at the steep journey ahead. i see so many different paths i could take. but which one? which one am i supposed to go down? 

i have no idea. none.

here's the crazy thing. a few weeks ago, He laid it on my heart to mention all of this to our new women's minister. i didn't think she could do anything but listen, and He told me to, so i made plans in my head to talk with her in june or so - after j got back from session.

that very sunday she happened into our sunday school room. and i couldn't sit still. like i had ants in my pants or something until i got up and ran after her in the hallway. as i mentioned to her that i wanted to get together with her - in june - about what the Lord has {heavily} laid on my heart she told me that another woman called her about almost the same thing {ONE of the mountains i see before me!} the day before. the Lord was stirring and we needed to chat.

i met with her yesterday. the first thing i said was, "chrissie - i have no idea why i'm here except the Lord told me to come." crazy that the Lord has laid a similar crisis on her heart. crazy, but not, because we've seen Him work like this before, haven't we? 

we know ONE step to take at the moment. ONE. and that's pretty much research. doesn't seem terribly productive to me when i know the Lord has brought me here. let's get started already. i'm tired of staring at this huge mountain {range}. just take me up. let me fall. whatever - i just want to get started on this climb.

but He's not ready. again - with Him steering the car, deciding the pace. what's with His control anyway? seriously! can't He give it over just once?

ahhhh - but His ways are NOT mine. and praise Him that they aren't. i'd already be up and over that mountain by now, missing all of the lessons & blessings & trials along the way. can i get an amen?

so here i am. 

having no idea of the what, why, how, who.... whatever. none. 

just that the Lord has brought me here. 

and yes, it's all kind of sort of weirdly intertwined with africa. but not really. but sort of. huh. 

i don't really know how all of the pieces could even begin to wrap together to form a cohesive story. but i know that He can do it. and He will. in His timing. 

and, for now, i will settle in and enjoy the ride {or the stillness} and attempt to wait for Him to make His move - which i have a feeling will be something of clearing a pathway on the mountain that isn't wide open but more of a back-woods-trails type. 

what mountains is He asking you to climb? are you in a valley? do you see something in the distance? i'd love to know your story. 



  1. This is exactly what I needed this week. I, too, seem to have more mountains to climb than joyous moments at the top. I sometimes refer to my life as being in quick-sand. I can't seem to go forward, I don't want to go backward, and so I'm stuck waiting on Him to reveal my next move. Waiting is my problem. I KNOW He directs my life, yet I want, so often, to take control. Thank you so much for your words.

    1. Melissa-I hear ya!! Waiting is the hardest part. Especially when you don't know how long the wait is going to be! Praying for you in your wait!